im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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