quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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