I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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