I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
