I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
