My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
