I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
