Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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