??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
