if only i could text you this smell
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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