sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
do nipples grow back?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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