Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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