just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
