I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
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