Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
