I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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