It's like God shit irony all over that family
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
