Dual....:-)
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
