you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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