I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
