just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
