I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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