i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
