so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
