just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Randomize
