i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
it's like iHOP with fire
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
