as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
