We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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