you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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