her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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