ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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