The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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