proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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