But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
