she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
