I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
