and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
