For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
