Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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