Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
