You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize