My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
nutella sex= disaster
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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