he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
