Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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