She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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