When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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