I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
