So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
why is half of my head shaved?
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