I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize