Please, let me fuck your mom
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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