Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
