I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
