uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
