you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
