True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
