Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
