I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
