Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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