I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
