Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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