she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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