A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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