I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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