Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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