I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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