i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
