I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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