my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
