Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
