She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
