honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
